Without You
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: Sometimes life hands us just what we need. Sometimes we find the love we're meant to have. And sometimes we see that threatened and know we might have to go on without.


"Ow! Dang it, Rachel!" Jimmy hollered as Rachel worked to clean his newest injury.

Rachel just sighed at him wanting to jab her finger into the hole he had just acquired. She spent more time than she liked to think about patching these boys up or taking over for the doc. This one was a minor enough injury and there was no need to call the doc in to look. Knowing what was serious and what wasn't had come with learning the job as naturally as knowing which rider would or wouldn't eat peas or green beans or which had a soft spot for molasses cookies and which really loved a good applesauce cake. It wasn't a knowledge she enjoyed getting but it served her boys well and she would do anything for them. But at times she wished she hadn't needed it so often.

"You know, Jimmy," she said letting her southern drawl creep in a bit more than she normally would, "If you weren't so dead set on getting your hide perforated at every opportunity, you wouldn't be sitting here in this fix."

Cody stood up from his bunk and headed toward the door with a book in his hands.

"Where are you going, Cody?" Lou asked.

Cody turned and looked annoyed.

"I was trying to read but all this whining and bellyaching is making it impossible. I'm going to find myself a nice shade tree far away from all this."

He shot Jimmy a glare and Jimmy understood that the anger had nothing to do with interrupted reading time. Soon they all heard Cody's horse galloping away from the station.

"Well, there you are, Jimmy," Rachel said tying the bandage around his arm. "Not good as new but then I don't think you have a spot on you that is anymore."

Jimmy rolled his eyes. He wasn't hurt that bad and he didn't understand the fuss Rachel was making and he really didn't get why Cody was acting like he was. Well, he did but then at the same time he didn't.

"It's too bad Cody ran off like he did," Rachel said shaking her head, "I have this whole plate of cookies I was just going to put out to tide you all over until supper."

Jimmy saw an opening and took it.

"I was thinking that an afternoon of fishing was just what I needed," he replied nonchalantly, "I happen to know his favorite place to sit and read and it ain't far from where I like to fish. I'll take some of 'em for the both of us."

"You wouldn't be trying to just wheedle more than your share of cookies now would you Jimmy?"

"If I am, I would say I deserve them after getting shot and all and if he misses out then he shouldn't have left," Jimmy reasoned, "But that ain't what I'm doing. I really will be going right by where he probably is."

Rachel smiled and patted his head which annoyed him sometimes but right then it wasn't so bad. She packaged up some cookies and brought them to him as he was saddling Sundance.

"Don't you overdo it now," Rachel instructed patting him on the cheek, "Just because it's not a bad wound doesn't mean it can't get infected."

"Truth be told when I go fishing I end up doing more napping than fishing, Rachel," he smiled at her. He wasn't lying. If he spent any real time actually fishing, he might actually catch something. But usually fishing was just a ruse to doze off in the shade on lazy days when his chores were done. Of course he wasn't going fishing or dozing today. He was going to find Cody and talk to him. He knew why Cody stalked off and he knew Cody wasn't off reading but pouting and fretting.

Jimmy rode a ways to where he knew Cody was. The look Cody had shot him told him where to meet him and to get away as soon as he could. They had gotten good at communicating without words. Better than Ike had been even. They didn't even need signs all the time. They couldn't chance anything obvious.

They had a few places but if Cody took his book then Jimmy knew where to find him. It was a code they had really. Jimmy rode up, unsurprised to find no trace of Cody. He knew the man was there and he knew exactly where to find him. He dismounted and walked Sundance toward the bubbling stream that meandered through where the dense ceiling of trees parted allowing sunlight to bask the mossy rocks alongside the running water. He saw Cody's horse first and took Sundance over to where he could drink and rest as well. He saw to Sundance and turned around to find he was mere inches from Cody. Normally Cody couldn't sneak up on him like that and to be honest, it sort of frightened Jimmy that he had.

Looking at Cody frightened Jimmy even more. He'd never seen such intense emotion rolling off this man he loved. Perhaps what was so scary wasn't the emotion it was which feelings were radiating toward him. He got fear and knew there would be that even though he thought it was sort of silly but there was anger and he couldn't see the love or the tenderness or the caring he usually found within Will. He opened his mouth to speak—not that he had any great ideas about what to say—and Will's mouth slammed violently into his own.

Jimmy couldn't even breathe as he was driven by the force of the kiss into a tree behind him that he hit harder than was comfortable. As scared as he was, the anger and even danger of the kiss was exciting. Will pulled away gasping for air and Jimmy could see the moisture in the other man's eyes. He wanted to take him in his arms and tell him it was alright. And that wasn't all he wanted to do once he got Will into his arms. But when he reached for his lover, he grabbed only air.

Cody had waited and stalked back and forth until he heard Sundance approaching. He had always thought Buck was crazy when he told them that horses each had a unique gait and if he listened hard enough he'd be able to tell who was coming up on him if he'd heard the horse before. Granted, Cody only knew Sundance, just as he only knew Jimmy's walk by ear but if that was possible, probably everything else Buck told him was too. He had stayed out of sight and watched Jimmy move and see to the horses. Now that he had pulled away from Jimmy, he heard the man following him to the rock they normally sat on. It was secluded and safe for them. Usually when they were there, they were so happy to be together they only spoke of happy things like how much they loved each other and then kissed and touched and loved one another. Right now though, Cody was fighting to not cry. He wasn't walking away for effect but so that Jimmy wouldn't see him crying. Of course he could hear the steps quickening behind him and all he really wanted to do was turn around and punch the man, punish him for causing this fear and hurt. As much as he might think he wanted to do that and as good as imagining it felt, he knew he could never strike Jimmy. He just couldn't. The man had known too much pain in his young life. They both had and they deserved, both of them, all the tenderness they could give each other. And even though Jimmy was being an idiot, Cody could not take a swing at the man.

Once he reached the rock, Cody sat down but turned his back to the quickly approaching Jimmy.

"Will," Jimmy said and Cody couldn't help but perk a little at Jimmy's choice of words. So few called him that and it made him feel loved and cherished like few other things could. "Will, I know I made you mad and I ain't all sure how but I'm sorry. Still you can't kiss me like that and just walk away."

"Why the hell not?" Cody yelled, "You can do whatever the hell you want. Why can't I?"

"What are you even talking about?" Jimmy demanded even though he sort of knew.

"Honestly, Jimmy," Cody said sounding more hurt than he wanted to, "If you can't figure this out then I don't even think it's worth trying to explain."

Jimmy just looked at him strangely and they both sort of grinned sheepishly.

"See what you done?" Cody began to nearly rant, "You got me so upset I'm talking like a woman and nearly crying."

"I didn't do nothing," Jimmy insisted.

"Would you think that about me if you had just watched me in the street facing off against a man like that? Would you think I didn't do anything? Could you just sit and watch that? Watch me take a bullet? Could you?"

"No I couldn't," Jimmy yelled in reply, "He saw you. He knew you was there. If I didn't get his attention I would've been watching just that."

"So you make me watch you get shot? That was better?" Cody was fuming and Jimmy still wasn't sure exactly what he'd done wrong.

"I could take him," Jimmy reasoned, "I'm faster than you. You're more accurate and you're a hell of a lot better with that Hawken but I'm faster. You know that."

Cody raised his eyes to Jimmy and Jimmy flinched at the hurt and fear he saw there.

"But someday you won't be the fastest," he choked out as he fought to keep the moisture in his eyes, "It ain't enough you're faster than me. Someday someone else will be faster than you and more accurate and I'm going to have to bury you and I won't even be able to mourn for you. Not really. Not like I should be able to. Not like someone who loves you."

Jimmy just slumped. It hadn't occurred to him. All that Will said was true and actually it was the same fear he felt every time he saw him ride off. He knew that no one would understand. They would see him grieving a brother and they might allow him a little time for mourning but Will wasn't his brother. Cody was his brother but he could never tell anyone just what Will was to him. He looked into those blue eyes that held so much love for him and could think of nothing to say. Jimmy merely opened his arms and hoped Will would take him up on his invitation.

Cody blinked and nearly fell into the opened arms. He knew his tirade, while true and honest, wasn't exactly fair. Jimmy felt those same fears but Jimmy didn't have to sit idly by and see the worst. Maybe imagining the worst was its own bad but seeing it played out in front of him…Cody shuddered to think of seeing Jimmy's body jump from the impact and the blood flying and even how the force knocked Jimmy down. Until Jimmy stood up there was no telling where the bullet had struck and Cody knew it was only a matter of time before it was in the chest or gut or head and Jimmy wouldn't be getting up.

Jimmy wrapped his arms around the man who had just sunk into him. He could feel arms gripping him tightly in return and knew at least for the moment they were both safe.

"It's alright now," he whispered, "We're both safe. I try to be more careful. I do but you know I don't think enough."

"Don't make me go on without you," Cody pleaded, "I couldn't find anyone else who could be what you are to me. Don't make me have to try."

Jimmy could see Will was still resisting crying but Jimmy couldn't anymore and let the tears flow.

"I won't," he assured his lover, "Don't you go off and leave me neither. Ain't no one else thinks I'm worth a damn. Don't figure I'd find anyone else to love me."

"You don't need no one else," Cody said tenderly as he pressed a soft kiss to Jimmy's lips. "You got me. I love you and I told you once I always will. No matter what happens."

Jimmy could not resist at that moment leaning in for a deep kiss. He was sorry for causing more hurt and worry to Will but having this man he loved so completely in his arms and knowing they were both safe, they had faced the danger and come out the other side, was all he needed right then. The kiss ended and they leaned back onto the rock to gaze at the white puffy clouds drifting by in the clear sky revealed between the branches overhead. They stayed close and didn't let go of each other until the position of the sun told them it was time to head for home and see what Rachel was making for supper.

* * *

**Okay...this is a story that has been on the bunny list for a while...I have a long bunny list and probably at least six more of them are Bills stories. I love my little sweeties. My dear boys whose love is so hard on them. They are just dear and tender and I love them so much.**

**I have to thank my dear friend, Leah for helping me out with this. Cody had a little breakdown and wanted to barrel into this story with a head full of anger and I know he would have done things that he would have regretted terribly. So Cody went for a little Vacay to the farm. He hung out with the football loving hubby, tried to fix the tractor with some percussive maintenance and ate all Leah's pop tarts. When I got him back he was once again my affable little Codester. Thank you for your help, sweetie!**

**I know not everyone loves these two like I do but they have stories to tell and I am bound to tell every one of them. I know there are a few of you who love the Wild Bills! So at least a few will squee when the stories go and the rest can click past and read other offerings. I still love you all!-J**


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